I’ve Breastfed before-We’ve Got This!
Breastfeeding my fourth baby wasn’t supposed to feel new.By this point, I thought I understood what to expect. I had nursed three babies before. I knew the rhythm, the exhaustion, the demands.
But this time didn’t start the same way.
This season didn’t begin at birth. It started during pregnancy, with bleeding that made me think I was miscarrying. I was in and out of appointments, already considered high-risk because of my type 1 diabetes, and carrying a level of fear I couldn’t seem to shake.
Even after we had answers, I never fully felt at peace. The entire pregnancy felt uncertain, like I was holding my breath the whole time.
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A Birth That Didn’t Feel Peaceful
Labor came on and built quickly. What started as manageable turned intense in a way I hadn’t experienced before. At some point, my body took over completely, and I lost the sense of control I had expected to have.
It wasn’t calm. It wasn’t quiet. It was overwhelming.
I remember feeling scared as everything sped up. When she was born, there was relief, but not the kind of peaceful moment I had experienced with my other babies. I felt lightheaded, out of it, trying to catch up to what had just happened.
Then came the news of a partial placental abruption, and that fear I had carried through pregnancy didn’t just disappear. It followed me into postpartum.
When Things Didn’t Settle After Birth
The next morning, things shifted again. She wasn’t maintaining her blood sugar, and there was blood in her stools from swallowed fluid. What I thought would be simple monitoring turned into a NICU stay.
She was placed on IV fluids, antibiotics, and taken off oral feeds. I remember feeling blindsided. That wasn’t what had been explained to me, and suddenly everything felt clinical, urgent, and out of my hands. I started hand-expressing colostrum just to feel like I was doing something for her.
But nothing about it felt simple.
When Feeding Took Over Everything
Once we got home, I expected things to improve. They didn’t.
I entered into weeks of triple feeding. Nursing, bottle feeding, pumping, and then starting over again. By the time one cycle ended, it was time to begin the next.
It took hours. There was no margin, no rest, just constant output.
At the same time, life didn’t pause. I still had three other kids who needed me, and my two-year-old especially didn’t understand why everything had changed. I felt pulled in every direction and unable to do any of it well.
The Weight of Not Knowing
There was a constant fear running underneath everything.
What if I don’t have enough milk?
I was so exhausted that I couldn’t keep up with the pumping schedule I knew I needed. That alone brought guilt. Everywhere I turned, it felt like I was falling short. Even leaving the house felt impossible. I remember thinking, how am I supposed to take the boys to school like this? Feed, pump, manage everyone, and still function?
Everything felt complicated. Nothing felt sustainable.
The Part That Still Sits Heavy
We were trying to do everything “right.”
We chose bottles that were meant to support breastfeeding. We tried to protect the nursing relationship. But what we didn’t realize was that she wasn’t getting enough.
She wasn’t gaining weight. She was crying more. And eventually we were told that if things didn’t improve, we could end up back in the NICU.
We later learned the bottle we were using was part of the issue.
That realization has stayed with me. Because I thought I was helping her. I thought I was making the right decisions. But she was hungry.
And I didn’t know.
Trying Everything and Still Feeling Lost
We tried everything we could think of.
Multiple lactation consultants, a pediatric dental exam, different bottles, pumping constantly, even using a supplemental nursing system to try to help her latch.
We were also navigating reflux, which made everything harder.
Nothing felt intuitive. Nothing felt natural. It was constant adjustment, constant second-guessing, constant wondering if I was doing the right thing.
The Emotional Reality
I cried a lot during that season. I got angry more than I expected to.
There were moments I looked at her and thought, why can’t you latch? and then immediately felt guilty for even thinking it.
I told Mark more than once, I can’t do this anymore.
And he met me in that. He didn’t try to fix it. He asked me how he could support me and what I needed to hear, and that mattered more than I realized at the time.
My mom told me at one point that it was okay to stop. I remember feeling angry when she said that, like she didn’t understand how hard I was trying.
Looking back now, I can see that she wasn’t telling me to quit. She was concerned about me.
But when you’re in the middle of something that consuming, it’s hard to see anything clearly.
Faith in the Middle of Exhaustion
I cried out to God a lot during that season too. Sometimes out loud, sometimes quietly. Asking why it had to be so hard. Asking why something that should feel natural felt so difficult.
There were moments I didn’t feel Him the way I wanted to. Not because He wasn’t there, but because I was overwhelmed, exhausted, and stretched thin. And yet, looking back, I can see that He was present in it.
In the people who reached out. In the encouragement from other moms. In the strength to keep going one more day.
Where We Are Now
Eventually, things improved. She started latching. Feedings got longer. Slowly, we found a rhythm. Now she refuses a bottle altogether, which feels almost ironic after everything we went through. She’s healthy. She’s growing. And I’m so grateful.
What This Taught Me
This was my fourth baby, and I still felt like I didn’t know what I was doing.
That surprised me the most.
Not the difficulty, but the realization that experience doesn’t eliminate struggle. Sometimes it just makes you more aware of how much you still need help, patience, and grace.
Thinking Back
I tell my kids all the time, you can do hard things. But living it feels very different than saying it. Sometimes you don’t feel strong in the moment. Sometimes you just endure it, one hour at a time. And only later do you look back and realize…
We made it through.
Even when it didn’t feel like it, God was there in every part of it.
What Helped Me in This Season
If you’re walking through something similar, these are a few things that helped:
• Bottles that finally worked for her
• My breast pumps during triple feeding
Medela
Spectra
Medela manual Breast Pump
• Feeding tools we used to support latching
• Formula we used for supplementation
Kendamil Goat Infant Powder Formula
• Simple nursing essentials
Excellent milk storage set
Favorite Bras
Nursing Bra
Breastfeeding and Pumping Bra
Nursing Pillow
Hakaa milk catcher
Supplemental Nursing System
Feeding/Baby Scale
Bottle Warmer
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