There are days when sibling fighting makes me curious, and there are days when it just makes me irritated. Usually the difference isn’t them — it’s my level of overstimulation.
But I’ve learned to look underneath the noise. A lot of the sibling fights aren’t actually about the toy, the turn, or the tone. They’re about the heart.
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One child needs one-on-one time. Another needs affirmation. One needs physical closeness. One needs recognition. One needs space. They don’t always know how to ask for that yet, so the conflict becomes the language. And I’m learning to listen differently.
The more I watch my kids, the more I’m reminded that adults aren’t much different.
The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman helped our marriage so much when we were in counseling years ago. It gave us language for why we could both care deeply — and still feel disconnected. We realized we weren’t necessarily lacking love; we were miscommunicating it.
That shifted our communication. It helped us slow down, ask better questions, and stop assuming that the other person “should just know.” It gave us a shared framework instead of two separate interpretations.
That framework stuck with me. Because if two adults can misunderstand each other’s needs, of course children can too.
In many ways, childhood is where we first learn how to give and receive love.
The way those needs surface changes with age. They shift when a new sibling is added. They flare when someone is tired or hungry. They explode after too much screen time. They wobble when routines change, like visiting grandparents or talking about a possible move. They can all lead to sibling fighting.
Sometimes though, what looks like defiance is really dysregulation. Sometimes what looks like meanness is really insecurity. And sometimes it’s simply immaturity — because they’re still learning.
I tend to be very observational. I watch. I internalize. I ask myself what might be going on beneath the surface. Is someone exhausted? Is someone feeling overlooked? Is someone anxious about change?
Kids look for and crave stability from us. They in turn also feel instability from us. And lately, there has been change in the air. Or littles may not have the words for it, but they feel it.
There are days I don’t want to be a therapist or a referee or a peacemaker during these shifts. Some days it would be nice if everyone just got along. But the truth is, we are shepherding little hearts, and that work isn’t quiet. It’s slow, repetitive, imperfect and sometimes loud.
So I pray. I ask the Holy Spirit to reveal what I can’t see or what I may be avoiding. Sometimes clarity comes when the house is finally quiet and I’m trying to fall asleep. When it does, I will often talk it through with my husband. We’re not perfect. We’re human. But we’re trying to guide them with kindness and understanding. Remembering that God first loved us-imperfections aside.
I don’t expect them to avoid sibling fighting altogether. I just want them to know how to repair — and to value their relationship more than the argument.
And while I’m teaching them that, I’m learning too. Learning when to step in during sibling fighting and when to let them work it out. Learning how to regulate myself before I try to regulate them. Learning how to guide without over managing.
Some days I get it right. Some days I’m overstimulated and short. But I trust that God is shaping all of us in this process — their sibling bond, my motherhood, and our home.
We’re all still learning how to love well.
Parenting in the middle years has been stretching my faith in ways I didn’t expect. I actually wrote more about that in another post about trusting God when life feels uncertain.
Helpful Resources for Parents
If you’re navigating sibling conflict in your home, these resources helped me better understand my kids’ hearts and how to guide them through hard moments.
📖 The 5 Love Languages of Children
👉 Check it out on Amazon
📊 Kids Emotion Feelings Box Set
👉 See it on Amazon
📚 Shepherding a Child’s Heart
👉 View the book here
📊 God Made all Your Feelings
👉 See it on Amazon
